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November 27, 2014 / Gul Malani

Good Time to Start Schooling

Educationists and people in charge of education (heads of new version schools) in some countries have started canvassing and marketing the idea that their Institutions are the best ground for developing the Intellect of the children. They say that most of us have been brought up to have mediocre Intelligence. If we want our child to be super intelligent like Buddha, Shankaracharya, Leonardo da Vinci, Einstein, and others, then the child in the womb has to be brought to their Institutions for starting early, effective and high level development of the Intellect of the child. Six weeks after birth, the child is to be admitted into a 9:00 am to 4:00 pm programme in their supposedly Super Institution for early and super development!

The question is how did Buddha, Shankaracharya, Leonardo, Einstein achieve what they did when such supposedly Super Education Institutes and Educationists did not exist?

Photo Mother teaching Child ID-10088124 271114The answer takes us back to the home environment of such super people! It must have provided the ambiance for the child to develop it’s Intellect to the extent each one of them did. The best person to develop it’s Intellect is the Child itself. It has to be given the space and the opportunities to learn and develop. Next to the child, the mother and then the father play a very important role in the child’s development. The parents have to provide the space as well as expose the child to various activities and situations at appropriate times when the child shows interest in learning more of a specific activity or learning from a situation.

Needless to say that a child’s Intellect will develop best in an environment wherein the parents love and respect each other and are giving unconditional love and attention to the child.

So, the most important persons, for the development of a child, are first, the child itself, then the mother and then the  father. Then comes the role of a good School with Teachers who have more specific knowledge on the subjects and are capable of lovingly sharing it with the child in an interesting manner.

A little baby takes time to develop its immunity. So, the first six months to a year, the exposure to other people as well as school children should be kept to a bare minimum so that the child does not get exposed to infection carried by others!

After a year, it is quite in order to take the child to a Mother-Toddler Nursery for one or two hours, two to three times a week! During this period the child may develop some independence from the Mother for a few hours. Only when the child shows this independence then the parents could consider leaving the child in a play-school for two to three hours every alternate or every day based on the child’s comfort level. The next milestone will be to admit the child into a the kindergarten class of a nursery or regular school which generally starts at the age of four.

Early separation from the Mother, even for a few hours, can cause an everlasting pain body within the psyche of the child and will manifest itself as excessive fear and anxiety resulting in loss of the capabilities of the child’s Intellect resulting in lower level of development too. Parents have to be very observant of the child’s capability to be comfortable without the presence of the Mother so that the schooling aspect is done with proper timing to suit the comfort level of the child.

Only when the child is comfortable in school that he/she will do good quality learning and retaining!

Do remember that high IQ, wide knowledge and super intelligence does not necessarily result in living a happy and a full life! This part of learning, to live a full life, comes from the way parents are living. Living life fully begins with Awareness. More on this subject is available in our blog

Do ensure that the process of schooling or education does not rob the child of the sparkle in the eyes that almost every child  is born with! If parents notice that the sparkle is missing, then they have to immediately review the complete environment of the the child and change the timings or the school itself to bring the sparkle back soonest!

March 18, 2014 / Gul Malani

Wake up Alarm

ID-10072773-1 Little boy covering his face 180314Parents who have heavy professional or social commitments generally do not have the time and patience required for bringing up children well! Additionally, most of us parents really have not discovered our own selves and so we are continuously being tossed on the waves of this ocean called life. Most of the spare time we have is spent trying to save our own skins by staying afloat in this turbulent worldly ocean.

All this adds to the woes of bringing up children well!

How do we know if we are not doing a good job? Our wake up alarm could be any of the following:

-frequent daily crying of our child

-our child is misbehaving frequently

-the child is throwing tantrums at times

First and foremost is that both parents have to actually carve out adequate and exclusive time for the child on a daily basis. We may have to forego or postpone some of our professional and social goals. Secondly, we have to bring in more Awareness and Acceptance in our lives. A good starting point for this could be to read up our blog or read publications by authors like Eckhart Tolle, Osho, J. Krishnamurthi, Thich Nhat Hanh, Deepak Chopra and many others.

Crying, misbehaving, tantrums are ways of the child to express that it is not being understood well by its parents. These are effects and not the cause. Telling the child not to cry, or misbehave is not the way out of this. Parents need to get to the root of all this by finding out the cause for such behaviour or outbursts.

Once we parents are sensitised to the child, then automatically the child is being brought up well. Then our up bringing does no damage to the psyche of the child. Unfortunately, poor up bringing results in creation of a pain body in the psyche of the child which continues to be a raw wound even in the adult part of the child’s life. The moment anything is said or done which touches this wound, the child breaks down!

Parents have to be aware that they are not contributing in building this pain body. Neither are they helping build fear, anxiety and worry in the psyche of the child! Only then, we can sit back and relax as our child maneuvers his/her way through his/her life. Otherwise our child may break down even in adult life and need our help and support often to navigate his/her life!

March 6, 2014 / Gul Malani

Unlimited Possibilities for our Children

ID-100143016 Off Road

As parents we should never underestimate our child’s capabilities. Each and every child is a unique Masterpiece with unlimited capabilities!

As a child, we have the capabilities to do just about anything we want to. The capabilities start getting limited as the child learns from it’s parents or teachers that such and such a thing is difficult or impossible to achieve. In up bringing of our child, words such as fear, failure, difficult, impossible should never be used.

Further, the future always offers unlimited possibilities for the development and success of our own selves as well as our kids!

Fortunately the future possibilities do not discriminate. Every child will come across many possibilities in the course of his/her life. We have seen, heard or read of many children doomed to die early who go on to live a very healthy long life; many rags to riches instances of even low literacy individuals; many unbelievable heavenly performers of music & dance from poor families as well as from those persons who are physically challenged.

It is only possible to tap into these opportunities if we and our children are keyed into the present moment and act on the requirements of the situation right now! Our actions in the present moment are the foundation on which the future unfolds for us as well as for our children. However, we must remember that although our actions are very important, the end results depend heavily on the Forces of the Universe also called Luck or God!

So, we all including parents and children, should be very enthusiastically looking forward to our future unfolding into the present moments.

Regretfully, most of us have an Ego that has developed many limitations and fears including fear of the future and failure. So, instead of welcoming the future as a honoured guest who is with us for a very short while, we fear its arrival! Sadly, this is due to the fact that loving but poor parenting unknowingly built this fear and limitations in us and we are doing the same to our children.

Statements made by the parents like the following, program our child’s Ego to fear the future as well as acquire many other fears and limitations too:

If you misbehave I will call the police!-fear that in the future, police may come to get him/her

If you do not study you will fail!- fear of failure in the future

You have to become a Doctor and serve the mankind!- fear of not being able to become a Doctor

Be careful, you will get hurt!- fear of doing anything risky as he/she may get hurt and have to go to the hospital

You have be the first and the best in everything you do!- fear of not being able to achieve this

You will not make any mistakes!- fear of trying anything new

Comparing present situation or behaviour with the past and deriding it- fear of change in the future

I told you so, when the child fails at anything!- fear of doing anything without having parents approval first

We have to save today so that your future is bright!- fear of spending as the future may become bleak

Why are you trying to achieve the impossible!– fear of doing anything new by limiting the child’s imagination to its present capabilities only

We would like to clarify that nothing in this world is impossible to achieve. The limited experience and knowledge our Ego, brings in this limitation of belief that certain situations are near impossible to achieve. The fact of the matter is that if the Forces of Universe give a helping hand everything is possible to achieve. 50 years ago we would not have believed that flying while sitting in an airplane chair is possible. Likewise for Satellites, Medical transplants, Mobile phones, I pads, curing disease by Yoga, Meditation & Nutrition etc

So, what is the way out? We have to be very careful with the statements we make about the future to our children to ensure that we are not building limitations and fear of the future in the psyche, Ego,  of the child. Further, allow the child to remain in the present moment for as much time as possible and help him/her learn how to act in response to its imagination as well as the requirements of the situation at the moment. A statement which encompasses all this is: ‘Let the child cross the bridge when he/she comes to it’! Help him/her only if he/she seeks help to cross certain difficult bridges!

Then be patient and watch how our child blooms and blossoms beautifully and strongly from within and in tune with the Forces of this Universe!

All children are born with wings to fly. Unfortunately most parents and teachers unknowingly teach the child only to crawl through life! – Gul Malani *

The basic premise is the belief that the child is born with unlimited possibilities, and the primary job of the parents is to create a growth-promoting environment for it – Dr. Atul Abhyankar *

February 18, 2014 / Gul Malani

Be a Role Model

ID-10091910The best way to bring up children well is for us to be what we want them to grow up to be. Parents should be good Role Models! Yes, we parents have a full time unpaid modelling career if we really care for our families! Kids learn from imitating their loved ones and we, parents have a lot of impact on the way the child thinks and behaves even when he/she has grown up!

For starters, we are listing some of the capabilities and activities that will make us good role models.

-capacity to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes & errors

-living in the present moment and fully accepting the present situation as it is now

-acknowledging the precious presence of people around us

-being peaceful, patient and proactive rather than being highly strung, uptight and reactive

-accepting our own self as we are now

-being polite, respectful and loving to others

-willingness to listen to others without commenting or advising

-always having time to help others

-indulging in sports and hobbies regularly

-indulging in physical activity daily to maintain our immunity and our health

-spending time enjoying and appreciating the beautiful Nature and the Universe around us

-willing to learn through out our life from others, books, Internet and all the available sources like this blog as well as

If any of the above capabilities and activities are lacking in us please do not fret and fume! It is quite ok for all of us to be what we are now and do whatever we are doing now! No rapidly planned changes or control are required to develop any of the above capabilities or add new activities. The only thing required is that we become aware that certain capabilities and activities are not part of us at present! This awareness alone will bring about the required change in us without any stress or self abuse!

Development of new capabilities and activities is an extremely slow process and will happen only at the appropriate time and not when we desire it! In the meantime we should be happy to live life as fully as we can, accepting our own self as we are now, and do the best we can for our little darlings and precious children!

What humans (including children) need is nurture in the form of love and the ability to observe older humans going about their everyday lives. – Bruce H. Lipton Ph.D. in his book ‘The Biology of Belief’ 160817

Parents who live in the present moment and meditate, soon discover the infinite Peace or Emptiness within and outside their own bodies. Such parents radiate positive energy which fosters healthy growth of children, both physically as well as psychologically. – The Totality  291017

The child accepts as his model only those to whom he is strongly attached… The desire for sameness with important attachment figures leads to some of a child’s most significant and spontaneous learning experiences, even though closeness, not learning, is the underlying motivation. Such learning occurs without either the parent having much conscious intent of teaching or the child of studying. In the absence of attachment the learning is laboured and the teaching forced. – Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D. in their book ‘Hold On to Your Kids’  181117

As the Ego develops in the child, the child’s inherent capability to give unconditional love reduces to conditional love. Conditional love is, when children and even adults, give love only when they are sure that they will be getting something more in return! Sad as this is, some of us can make an effort to improve and evolve beyond our Ego, with it’s severe limitations, and redevelop our capabilities of giving unconditional love. Such people become role models of humans living a wonderfully meaningful life, making our planet a beautiful place to live in. – The Totality 150118

When a child is born. the mother and father do not automatically become good parents. They have to work on themselves, become more aware and evolve. Truly, parental role is not to train the child, nor to train others around the child to be good parents or grand parents. Their purpose is to evolve and become good role models for children to copy, which the children do automatically in the initial seven years of their childhood. Parents can expect specific behaviour from their children only when they have learnt and conduct themselves in that specific manner. – The Totality 211118

Brilliant parenting is possible by parents who are constantly learning, becoming aware, evolved and have become super role models for living life without any limitations, except for safety considerations, as well as living fully in the physical world, without being attached to it or being overwhelmed by it- The Totality 190120

Parents, who have reprogrammed their Self Identity to be serving others and the Universe rather than expecting service from others and the Universe, make the best Role Models for their children, and others too, for living life fully and happily – The Totality 160220

Parents, who have high acceptance of their life situations and other people and lower expectations from life and other people, can live life at a higher energy level leading to happiness and fullness of living for themselves as well as their children – The Totality 200220

Evolved parents are aware that life situations for each of us are changing uniquely every moment. We normally attribute the changes exclusively  to the effort we have put in; our Ego has put in. Deeper awareness will reveal that our Ego cannot even make a small change without the enormous help and support from the Cosmic Forces which are completely beyond the control of our Ego. So, all we can do is to gracefully and gratefully accept our life situations as they arise and respond, not react to them. Living life responding to our life situations by thinking and doing everything in sync with the Cosmic Forces will lead us to a happy, fulfilled and materially successful life. We, parents, will then become ideal role models for our children to learn how to live a happy, fulfilled and successful life too. – emanated from the Cosmos 250720

October 6, 2013 / Gul Malani

Sensitive Parents know their Child well

Dr Shefali Tsabary said in an interview with TImes of India in June 2014 –

‘ If I’m to set myself up as my child’s teacher, I must first have learned how to be self disciplined. I must have addressed, and continue to address, my own emotional immaturity. I can do this by becoming a ‘conscious parent’, someone who is true to their self. In this way my child learns from me to also be true to their heart’s deepest desires.

The goal is to raise children to be in touch with their inner being, not to force them into a mould we’ve designed for them. When children increasingly order their life for themselves, they grow up to experience satisfaction and joy in what they are doing.’

Parents, who are conscious, sensitive and observant, develop a good insight and understanding of  their child. Such parent’s focus is not on their own needs and wants but on the needs and wants of the child.

A good starting point for good and healthy up bringing is to be able to identify the inherent abilities present in our child. Most children born normal, without any unusual genetic defects, possess many inherent abilities. Unfortunately parents remain unaware of these inherent abilities and as a result, many of these abilities are destroyed unknowingly by parents while the child is growing up due to incorrect and insensitive parenting.

ID-100108573Surprisingly, these inherent abilities are observable even in infants. Listed below are some of the abilities that we have identified in infants:

-living in the present moment 

-being transparent and authentic as the child has not yet learnt to wear a mask

-being peaceful, bright and cheerful most of the time; crying only when it needs a feed, to be burped, cleaned up or put to sleep or is in pain or wants something

child’s desire to be good for the parent (from the book ‘Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Maté, M.D. * 231117)

-being able to love its Mother and others too

being able to see and feel the energies that surround people and absorb information on their mood, character, health etc *

-being fearless and free from anxiety and worries

-being extremely active, creative as well as artistic in what it does

-being curious and inquisitive, and learning by observation, tasting, feeling, listening, smelling

-focusing and concentrating

As the infant grows older it also starts to

-becomes more independent by wanting to do things on its own

-use its intellect and makes its own decisions

-understand as well as forgive others

-become protective of its younger siblings

Instances that highlight few of the above abilities are given below:

#An 8 year old girl noticed a 7 year old girl standing all by herself and crying in a large mall. She immediately informed her Dad that this girl has been separated from her parents and needs help. So, the father daughter combo with the help of Facebook & Google contacted the father of the lost girl and reunited them very quickly! This is a clear case of sharp observation and understanding by the young 8 year old girl!

#A 9 month old baby girl was pulling the hair of her 6 year old cousin brother. The mother of the baby girl was admonishing her baby about this act as it could be hurting her brother. The young boy immediately told his cousin’s mother ‘ It is ok Auntie, I do not mind her doing this to me!’. This is a case of good understanding of the young lad as well as of forgiveness!

Once the specific abilities of the child have been identified, the parents can help the child to live life fully and well by helping build further capabilities on this solid foundation of the child’s existing abilities!

Unfortunately, most parenting unknowingly destroys many of the inherent abilities of the child. One of the biggest loss of the children while growing up, is the ability to peacefully and happily live life in the present moment! Most parents gradually replace this happy present moment living with a worried, anxious. fearful and stressful living in the imagined future or in the dead past.

This happened to us too and we in turn un-intelligently destroyed present moment living in our children because we did not know any better!

It is perfectly alright and good for the child to do nothing at times, or to be in a state of just being, or doing what it wants to do rather than what the parents want the child to do. This way they remain fully charged and youthful most of the time! Whereas if the child is doing only what the parents want the child to do, then its energy gets quickly dissipated with the possibility of low self esteem and other psychological problems in the future!

It is time for us, parents and grandparents, to awaken and become conscious of our own self so that we can help our children and grand children develop well and enjoy living in the present moment rather than suffer it living in the imagined future or dead past! This can be done if we, parents and grandparents, become AWARE of our own self, our thoughts, our emotions, our fears and anxieties, our beliefs, our speech and our actions. We can get some help by connecting with good Gurus/Teachers, as well as reading and understanding relevant literature on this subject. An associate blog titled can be of help too.

Most parents are generally very careful about the physical health of the child. If the child is hurt and bleeding or if it has temperature above normal then corrective action is taken without much delay! Similarly, it would be good for our children if we, parents are also sensitive to the feelings and psychological condition of the child and quickly correct our actions to reduce or eliminate any damage to the psyche of our child.

Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish say in their book ‘How to talk so Kids will listen & listen so Kids will talk’ – Dealing with feelings (of the child) is an art not a science…….Parents, after some trial and error, can master the art. You’ll sense after a while what is helpful to your individual child and what isn’t. With practice you will soon discover what irritates and what comforts, what creates distance and what creates intimacy, what wounds and what heals. There is no substitute for your own sensitivity. 

Further, Adele & Elaine in their book quote a parent from their learning group-‘The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them. I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family, you’d better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness.’

A father wrote to Adele & Elaine –  It’s not enough just to give lip service to what a child is feeling. Sometimes you have to go an extra step to “see things through his eyes.”

They continue to state– ‘Each time we show respect for his (child’s) feelings, each time we offer him a chance to make a choice, or give him a chance to solve a problem, he grows in confidence and self-esteem.’ 

On yet another very important aspect of up bringing, they state ‘All of the psychology courses I had taken had warned of the dangers of the self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you labeled a child as a slow learner, he could begin to see himself as a slow learner. If you saw a child as mischievous, chances are he’d start showing you just how mischievous he could be. Labeling a child was to be avoided at all costs.’ 

Most parents feel that giving love and disciplining the child are all that are required for good up-bringing of our children. The problem is that both parental love and disciplining demand that the child fulfill numerous requirements of the parents, which may not necessarily be beneficial to the child. Unfortunately we, parents are unaware that our love is very limited and conditional and it can cause damage to the psyche of the child! Disciplining without parental awareness and sensitivity can also cause damage to the psyche of the child!

Additionally we, parents bring up our children with scant or no respect for the child’s sharp intelligence which blossoms mostly in the first five years of the child’s life. Respecting the child’s intelligence is to give the child adequate time and to listen very attentively, understand the child’s point of view and act in consonance with the child’s thinking processes. Formidable up bringing is being done when we give respect to our child’s intelligence and feelings, allowing more and more decision making to the child, thereby making the child strong from within as well as making the child fully independent, slowly and steadily.

Sensitive, responsive and good up bringing will be apparent as the child will be peaceful and happy most of the time!

Each and every child is extremely precious and special as well! Let us all put in the best effort we can for all the world’s children to grow up to be happy, capable and confident adults!

An aspect of children that we have learnt recently is ‘Counterwill’ highlighted by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D. in their book ‘Hold On to Your Kids’. *251217

Here are a few excerpts from their book on Counterwill:

  • Counterwill in an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced. It is triggered when a person feels controlled or pressured to do someone else’s bidding. It makes its most dramatic appearance in the second year of life–yes, the so-called terrible two’s… Counterwill appears with a vengeance during adolescence but it can be activated at any age– many adults experience it…. There is nothing abnormal about Counterwill in a child… No one likes to be pushed around, including children– or more correctly especially children.
  • Understanding counterwill can save a parent much unnecessary confusion and conflict, particularly when it comes to make sense of a peer-oriented child’s attitudes and behaviour.
  • Counterwill manifests in thousands of ways. It can show up as the reactive ‘no’ of the toddler, the ‘You aren’t my boss‘ of the young child, as balkiness when hurried, as disobedience or defiance. It is visible in the body language of the adolescent. Counterwill is also expressed through passivity, in procrastination, or in doing the opposite of what is expected. It can appear as laziness or lack of motivation. It may be communicated through negativity, belligerence, or argumentativeness, often interpreted by adults as insolence. In many children driven by counterwill we may observe a fascination with transgressing taboos and adopting antisocial attitudes. No matter what it looks like, the underlying dynamic is straightforward– instinctive resistance to being forced.
  • The very fact that something is important to us can make our children feel less like doing it. The more we pressure our children into eating their veggies, cleaning their rooms, brushing their teeth, doing their homework, minding their manners, or getting along with their siblings, the less inclined they are to comply. The more insistently we command them not to eat junk food, the more inclined they are to do it.
  • The basic human resistance to coercion is usually tempered, if not pre-empted, by attachment…We are far more likely to balk at the demands of someone we don’t feel connected with. A child who wants to be close to us will likely receive our expectations as an opportunity to measure up. Cues about how to be and what to do help such a child find favour in the parent’s eyes.
  • To give a command to a preschooler with whom one does not have a relationship is to invite being defied or, at best, being ignored. The little one has no inclination to obey someone with whom he does not feel connected.
  • For immature adolescents the dynamic is exactly the same, even if their ways of expressing it may not be nearly as cutely innocent. In situations when they are habitually told what to do by persons to whom they are not attached, counterwill can easily become entrenched as their fundamental response to the adult world.
  • Children are naturally compliant all right, but only in the context of connection and only when attachment power is sufficient.
  • It wasn’t so much that the parents were doing anything wrong as that their children’s counterwill instinct had been made pervasive–and even perverse– by peer orientation.
  • Counterwill…primary role is as a defense that repels the commands and influence of those outside the child’s attachment circle. It protects the child from being misled and coerced by strangers.
  • Counterwill also fosters the growth of the young person’s internal will and autonomy. We all begin life utterly helpless and dependent, but the outcome of natural development is the maturation of a self-motivated and self-regulated individual wilt a genuine will of her own. The long transition from infancy to adulthood begins with the very young child’s tentative moves towards separation from the parents.
  • Counterwill first appears in the toddler to help in the task of individuation. In essence, the child erects a wall of no’s. Behind this wall, the child can gradually learn her likes and dislikes, aversions and preferences, without being overwhelmed by the far more powerful will of the parent.
  • It is common to mistake counterwill for strength on the part of the child, as the child’s purposeful attempt to get his own way. The weaker the will, the more powerful the counterwill…we invite it into being every time our wish to impose something on our child exceeds his desire to connect with us.
  • The best reason for children to experience counterwill is when it arises not as automatic oppositionality, but as a healthy drive for independence. The child will resist being helped in order to do it herself; will resist being told what to do in order to find her own reasons for doing things. She will resist direction in order to find her own way; to discover her own mind, to find her own momentum and initiative. The child will resist the “shoulds” of the parent in order to discover her own preferences….genuine independence can happen only when a child is absolutely secure in his attachment to the adults in his life.
  • Counterwill is serving the purpose of protecting the child against becoming an extension of anyone else, even the parent. It helps to deliver an autonomous, emergent, independent being, full of vitality and able to function outside of attachments.
  • Peer orientation throws a monkey wrench into the natural development. Rather than serving autonomy, counterwill supports only the primitive purpose of keeping the child from being bossed around by those with whom she has no wish to be close. For peer-oriented children, those people are us–their parents and teachers…. Counterwill in the service of peer attachment, however, is vastly different from natural counterwill that supports true independence.
  • There is a foolproof way to distinguish peer-distorted counterwill from the genuine drive for autonomy: the maturing, individuating child resists coercion whatever the source may be, including pressure from peers. In healthy rebellion, true independence is the goal.
  • Adults who misread this primitive and perverted form of counterwill as healthy teenage self-assertion may prematurely back away from the parenting role…. To back off prematurely, however, is unwittingly to abandon a child who still needs us dearly but does’nt know that she does.
  • The problem with seeing our children having power is that we miss how much they truly need us. Even if a child is trying to control us, he is doing so out of a need and a dependence on us to make things work. If he was truly powerful, he would have no need to get us to do his bidding.
  • We strive to meet perceived strength with strength. Our demeanor inflates, our voices rise, and we up the ante with whatever leverage we can command. The greater the force we impose, the more counterwill our reaction will provoke… The frightened child will scurry to make it up to us and to get back into our good graces. We may believe we have attained our goal of good behaviour, but such capitulation is not without cost. The relationship will be weakened by the insecurity caused by our anger and our threats. The more force we use, the more wear and tear on the relationship. The weaker the relationship becomes, the more prone we are to being replaced– nowadays, most often by peers.
  • It is instinctive, when experiencing insufficient power for the task at hand, whether it is moving a rock or moving a child, to look for some leverage. Parental efforts to gain leverage generally take two forms: bribery or coercion…. The search for leverage is never-ending: sanctions, rewards, abrogation of privileges; forbidding of computer time, toys, or allowance, separation from the parent or separation from friends; the limitation or abolition of television time, car privileges, and so on and so on…. As our power to parent decreases, our preoccupation with leverage increases…In any other realm, we would see the use of leverage as manipulation. In parenting, such means of getting a child to follow our will have become embraced by many as normal and appropriate….We resort to leverage when we have nothing else to work with — no intrinsic motivation to tap, no attachment for us to lean on. Such tactics, if they are ever to be employed, should be the last resort, not our first response and certainly not our modus operandi.
  • Manipulation, whether in the form of rewards or punishments, may succeed in getting the child to comply temporarily, but we cannot by this method make the desired behaviour become part of anyone’s intrinsic personality…. The more the behaviour has been coerced, the less likely it is to occur voluntarily.
  • The counterwill instinct ensured that the use of force will backfire….Rewards may increase the likelihood of behaviours,” Dr. Deci writes,”but only so long as the rewards keep coming. Stop the pay, stop the play”
  • With the sense of impotence we experience when child-adult attachments are not strong enough, we begin to see our children as manipulative, controlling and even powerful.
  • If all we perceive is the resistance or the insolence, we will respond with anger, frustration, and force. We must see that the child is only reacting instinctively whenever he feels he is being pushed or pulled. Beyond the counterwill we need to recognise the weakened attachment. The defiance is not the essence of the problem; the root cause is the peer orientation that makes counterwill backfire on adults and robs it of it’s natural purpose.
  • The best response to a child’s counterwill is a stronger parental relationship and less reliance on force.

On Culture, a few excerpts from their book.

  • As long as the child is properly attaching to the adults responsible, the culture flows into the child.
  • According to Howard Gardner, a leading American developmentalist, more is spontaneously absorbed from the parents in the first four years of life than during all the rest of the person’s formal education put together.
  • If the child is helped to attain genuine individuality and a mature independence of mind, the passing down of culture from one generation to another is not a process of mindless imitation or blind obedience. Culture is a vehicle for true self-expression. The flowering of individual creativity takes place in the context of culture.
  • An evolved culture needs to have some art and music that one can grow into, symbols that convey deeper meanings to existence and models that inspire greatness. Most important of all, a culture must protect its essence and its ability to reproduce itself — the attachment of children to their parents.
  • Only in healthy relationships with adult mentors — parents, teachers, elders, artistic, musical and intellectual creators — can children receive their birthright, the universal and age-honoured cultural legacy of humankind. Only in such relationships can they fully develop their own capacities for free and individual and fresh cultural expression.

On attachment, a few more excerpts from their book.

  • When the parent is the compass point, it is the messages he or she gives that are relevant. When tragedy and trauma happen, the child looks to the parent for clues whether or not to be concerned. As long as their attachments are safe, the sky could collapse and the world fall apart, but children would be relatively protected from feeling dangerously vulnerable…. Attachment (with the parent) protects the child from the outside world.
  • Child’s idea of what his parents think of him protects him more effectively than the direct intervention of the parents in any un-wholesome situation around the child created by peers or others… On the other hand, if the parent belittles the child, shames him, pours contempt on the child, the child will be devastated. The child’s attachment to it’s parents renders him/her highly vulnerable in relationship to them but less vulnerable in relationship to others. (adapted from the book)
  • Our job as parents is to defend our children against being physically wounded. Although the bruising is not always so visible, the capacity to be hurt is even greater in the psychological area.

We have the greatest opportunity as guides to our children to point them inward to look for the answers so the shift to break old patterns can take root. So when they ask you a question that mirrors uncertainty let’s say, you can turn the question back onto them and ask “what do you think'” or “how do you feel about that” – meanwhile adding “this is a way to teach you how to trust and listen to your inner voice.-Dr Shefali Tsabary 

I believe that as infants we see and feel the energies that surround people and that we innocently absorb information about their health, mood, character and soul. But our culture does not talk about or reinforce such perceptions. By the time we are two or three, these capacities atrophy from lack of use, just as empathy, which is also an inborn capacity, will fade if not mirrored by the infant’s caregivers. – Donna Eden 

Parents unconsciously program their children to be happy when their or their child’s desires are fulfilled and to be sad and depressed when they are not! Whereas, Joy and celebration of life, free of desires, is ingrained in every child. Let us not rob our children of this priceless treasure they are born with, by our improper, inherited, desire fulfillment living – The Totality

James W. Prescott, former director of the National Institutes of Health’s section on Human Health and Child Development found that if a society physically held and loved its children and did not repress sexuality, that culture was peaceful. Peaceful cultures feature parents who maintain extensive, physical contact with their children, such as carrying their babies on their chests and backs throughout the day. – from the book ‘The Biology of Belief’ by Bruce H. Lipton Ph.D. 160817

It is amazing that every child gives instant feedback. The moment you understand the child, he/she becomes fine again! – Shalin Lele, a young mother of a 4 month old boy  061217

Sensitive parents will be aware that imposing rigid time schedules and goals results in high level of stress as well as low level of joy and creativity in the parents as well as in the child. Providing high level of flexibility in time schedules and goals will result in low level of stress and higher level of joy and creativity in both parents as well as the child – The Totality 170918

Dr. Bruce Lipton states that for the first 7 years of childhood our brain has only ‘Theta’ waves when we are easily hypnotised. In this early childhood we are like a video camera capturing memories form our parents, relatives, teachers and society. These memories are the programs in our Sub-conscious Mind (Ego) which we use 95% of our time to live our life in our society. Unfortunately these programs are not about us, or what we want to do or become. They are programs we have gathered from others. Further, 70% of these programs disempower the child, thereby  keeping the child away from his/her goals and aspirations. Only 5% of our time we use our Conscious Mind (Intellect) which is aware of the present moment and is very creative and can help us achieve our goals and aspirations. Sensitive Parents will be careful how they and others act and behave in the presence of the children to ensure that mostly empowering programs are captured in the Subconscious mind of the child.- The Totality 221018

Sensitive parents use enormous amount of patience, love and understanding to motivate their child. They do not expect the child to be motivated immediately and they never use fear to motivate a child to do what they want the child to do. –The Totality * 101218

Our bodies are very intelligent and they give signals to warn us when our activities are likely to hurt our body. Children instinctively respond to their body signals. For example, if we offer cow’s milk to any child, it will most likely reject it as consumption of proteins and hormones of  another mammal trigger off an auto immune reaction, hurting the body of the child. If the body of the child is not finding the food it is being fed as acceptable and safe, it will spit it or vomit it out. Unfortunately, the conditioning we acquire from our parents to be obedient children, makes us insensitive to our body signals as we do what our parents bid us to do to remain good in their minds. This results in various short term and long term health issues as we grow older. Sensitive parents are ones who have become aware of their own body signals and respond accordingly to maintain a healthy body. Such parents are willing to observe and accept the child’s instinctual responses and act in consonance with them, thus helping the child maintain as well as grow a healthy and cheerful body. too – The Totality 190119

All children are born perfect internally! They do not use logic, reasoning or the thinking process to act or do something. Initially, they do everything intuitively, until the parental programming and conditioning take over and damage or reduce the child’s intuitive capabilities. The child then relies on excessive analysis and thinking which generally leads to imperfect decisions and actions, making life much more difficult than it was meant to be. Sensitive Parents ensure that their upbringing methods do not damage or reduce the intuitive capabilities of their child as intuition helps the child, as well as adults, sail smoothly through life. – The Totality 120319

Intuition or limitless Divine inspiration happens only when we are in the present moment. Parental, as well as, social conditioning and programming tend to keep the child in the thinking mode and preoccupied by either it’s past or the future. Such thinking is limited, as it is based on the limited knowledge and experience we and our child gather from time to time. However, sensitive parents can help the child retain it’s intuitive capabilities by allowing the child to remain in the present moment as much as possible. – The Totality 280319

Each of us have been given a life of excitement, adventure, and discovery of the unknown in every moment. Such a life is very fulfilling. Regretfully, our parental and social upbringing (conditioning and programming), changes this to an anxiety and fear prone stressful life, pursuing rigid goals with equally rigid time schedules. Sensitive parents who are aware of this, change their upbringing methods to allow for flexible and easily changeable goals with equally flexible and changeable time schedules for achievement of the goals. Life then becomes more fulfilling and enjoyable for our children as well as for us.                             – The Totality  040519

August 3, 2013 / Gul Malani

Small tips for Easy & Fun Parenting


Parenting gives us a great opportunity for us parents to transform and empower our children according to Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Our own experiences also confirm this!

Parenting becomes simple and fun if both the parents are in pure awareness and full acceptance of the present moment. It implies remaining peaceful and calm (non reactive) most of the time and accepting our child as he/she is right now!

Preferably, both parents should individually and jointly, dedicate adequate time to bring up the child. Ideally, the father should take three months paternity leave and the mother a full year of maternity leave. The best option is that one of the parents is available full time to the child till the child is about 4 years old and is showing signs of independence. This way, parent’s work pressures will not affect patient, attentive, caring, loving, physically and psychologically healthy up bringing of the child!

Additionally, it is equally important that the husband cares and lovingly looks after the health and welfare of his wife as she is likely to be occasionally sad, depressed or may even break down as her life style changes dramatically! This can have a disastrous effect on breast feeding, health and the up bringing of the child as well as on the good and proper functioning of the family and home! Husband’s full time commitment, and not casual support, to the wife is absolutely essential during the first year of the child! It continues to be necessary thereafter also for good up bringing of the child!

Each day is a new day with a child as rapid changes are the norm! Forever, new situations will arise with children even when they grow up and become adults. Try and not label them as problems but as challenging situations that will bring out the best in us parents! In order to handle these challenging situations, both parents have to be very patient and sensitive to the needs and wants of the child to an extent that parents should be able to respond to the whispers from the child. They should not have to wait for the child to cry hard or throw tantrums! Parents have to be very careful and aware that their own needs and wants or the needs and wants of other family members or friends do not override the needs and wants of the infant or child! Parents have to remain focused on the needs and wants of the child and make their decisions from the child’s point of view for the child’s healthy up bringing!

Newly born infants needs are limited to feeding, burping, cleaning, sleeping, playing and cuddling! But when to do what for the infant does not come easily from the mother’s instincts or grandmother’s experience as most of us believe! We recommend that parents to read during pregnancy and follow up in the first year of infancy, Gina Ford’s very useful and relevant book titled ‘The New Contended Little Baby Book’. She states ‘The whole aim of CLB routines (which varies as the baby is growing) is to ensure from the very beginning that the baby’s needs are being met so that he (she) does not need to cry for any length of time. If a baby is in a routine from a very early age the mother will quickly learn to understand and anticipate his (her) needs. I have found that this results in the baby crying very seldom – around 5-10 minutes a day in my experience‘. Another quote from this book on Feeding – ‘By structuring your baby’s feeds from early on, things should never get to a stage where he (she) is having to cry to let you know he (she) is hungry, as you will be pre-empting his (her) feeding needs‘. Yet another quote on Structuring the Milk Feeds – ‘The aim of the CLB feeding routines is to ensure that the individual needs of all babies can be met‘.

Parents have to be astutely aware and observant at all times and check if required so as to reduce the child’s discomfort to the minimum and do the needful soonest like cleaning, feeding, burping, helping the child to sleep, playing, cuddling or medicating when required! Changes in the patterns and routines of the child should be noticed and evaluated to eliminate unnecessary triggers like handling of the child by strangers, noisy or not so clean environment, family members playing with the child during its sleep time, feeding being delayed for want of timely organisation, delay in changing diapers and other such situations. Routines will also change as the child keeps on growing and this has to be understood too! However, we have to provide for the fact that we are dealing with a human child and not a robot so rigidly adhering to recommended routines everyday will be to the detriment of the mother as well as of the child!

As the infant grows older, its Intellect starts forming its illusory identity called the ‘Ego’ based on inputs from parents, family members and friends. Child’s natural capability of living in the present moment starts to get replaced by living in the future or in the past! This is the beginning of the child’s wants and the resultant disharmony with its own self! So, when the child expresses its wants, parents should listen carefully and not react. Calmly and lovingly parents should explain to the child if they are not willing or ready to fulfill the specific want of the child so that the disharmony within the child is kept at the lowest possible level! This does require careful handling if we want to have our child be in peace & harmony with itself most of the time! Only when our child is in peace & harmony with its own self, can we expect it to be in peace & harmony with others as well as with the Universe so that she/he can live life fully!

Despite improper behaviour of the child, parents should never threaten to punish or leave the child and go away as the child’s only security is its parents! When the child is calmer, we can explain the difference between proper and improper behaviour so that the child can exercise her/his choice in the future! Punishment has no long term effect. It only lowers the self esteem of the child and drives the child to put on a mask of good behaviour in  the presence the parents!

For most parents loving and caring means being anxious and worried about the child’s future and taking numerous steps (mainly financial and physical) to ensure that adequate provision is made to take care of any untoward events that may happen in the future. Whereas, true loving and caring is when parents listen to and understand the child without reacting and commenting each and every time the child is communicating with any of its parents!

Healthy upbringing that will lead to psychologically strong and complete children, capable of independently handling life’s up and downs, requires parental acceptance and acknowledgement of the inner qualities of the child, like imagination, creativity, decision making, honesty, loving and helping others, good communication, confidence, courage, skills developed, gratitude, learning, understanding, experiencing emotions fully and coming through to a state of calm again, and any other such inner qualities.

Complimenting or rewarding the child only for external achievements like doing well or excelling in studies, sports, winning medals or honour etc can build in fears of failures and make the child very anxious and worried in the future of repeating or improving on the earlier successes, thereby losing its capabilities of living life fully in the present moment and doing the best it is capable of doing! We have to also appreciate and compliment the child for building inner strengths which are very important as only the inner strengths carry an individual smoothly through life!

Compliments or Praise should be descriptive and based on the parents taking genuine interest by observing and experiencing the details of what the child has done or achieved. Just responding quickly and saying good, wonderful or well done will leave doubts in the mind of the child about the genuineness of the compliment! Descriptive Praise helps the child become aware and appreciative of it’s own strengths. (extracted from the chapter on ‘Praise’ in Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish’s book titled “How to talk so Kids will listen & listen so Kids will Talk”) *

Please be aware that success in the external world, like doing well in studies or sports or having special talents or skills does not imply that the child is happy and strong from within! Inner Strength is most important for every child and parents have to carefully help the child build this up. Parents should do everything possible to build the child’s inner strengths and self esteem!

Below is some more wisdom from Ms. Adele Faber & Ms. Elaine Mazlish book.

Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children-their intelligence, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others.

We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit, and search out the language that nourishes self-esteem.

We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and because they care about us. 

HAPPY & FUN PARENTING BUILDS HAPPY FAMILIES WITH HAPPY CHILDREN! Let us do the best we can for our own selves as well as for our kids now!

I could believe that despite our feelings of pride in our children’s progress and joy in their growing independence, there could also be the ache and emptiness of no longer being needed – Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish 

May 16, 2013 / Gul Malani

When we, Parents, …………..


When we parents accept our child fully as he/she is now then we are:

-making him/her psychologically strong from within

-allowing him/her to develop in the direction that suits him/her best and at the speed that he/she can comfortably manage

In short, this is the process of the ideal parenting 

When we parents do not accept our child as he/she is now and we want him/her to improve or change then we are:

-ensuring that the child rarely enjoys and lives the present moments fully without worrying about the future

-ensuring that the child starts to fear the future

-lowering the self esteem of our child

Recommend that we be careful, while bringing up the child, that we are not forcing him/her to improve or change unless there are safety concerns or the child is hurting others. Instead be a patient role model of behaviour for the child to learn and improve and change slowly out of its own volition as it grows up.

When we, parents, laugh at our child’s mistake or any incorrect or out of context statement that the child makes, then we are:

  • hurting the child’s Ego
  • lowering his/her self esteem

Recommend that we parents become role models and laugh at our own selves when we make mistakes or make incorrect or out of context statements. 

When we, parents, blame the child for what has happened, be it a glass of spilled milk or his/her failure in the exams, then we are unaware of the reality that situations happen to all of us. We or our Ego do not make situations happen. None of us can truly take either credit or discredit for it as only the all powerful Totality is continually determining the present situations. In blaming the child we are:

  • weakening his/her inner strength, psyche
  • lowering his/her self esteem
  • building fears in the child to do anything, especially something new
  • lowering his/her risk taking capabilities

Recommend that parents should have unlimited capacity to accept all situations that happen and not react to the adverse situations and carry on with living life fully without any adverse comments or advice to themselves or to the child. This will help build inner strength in themselves as well as in the child to live life fully, without fear, anxieties and worries.  220717

When we parents have desires and expectations from our child then we are:

-channelling the child’s thoughts and actions in a specific direction suited to our wants and not the child’s natural capabilities and inclinations

-building fear in the child of not being able to fulfill our desires or expectations

Recommend putting our own desires and expectations in the back seat and help the child develop it’s own natural potential and capabilities!

When we parents focus and point out our child’s mistakes hoping that this help the child to improve quickly, then we are:

-lowering the self esteem of the child

-reducing the child’s motivation and capabilities to improve generally

Recommend strongly that parents focus on the child’s positive aspects only, ignoring the child’s mistakes unless it has something to do with safety. Parents should take the time to clearly understand the child’s positive achievement and then compliment the child in some detail and not just say ‘Well done’. Strange as it may seem, but this positive reinforcing attitude of parents helps the child to not only improve generally but also helps the child to automatically correct his/her earlier mistakes that the parents had purposely ignored! 

When we, parents, become sad, upset or angry with our own self or our child after we or our child has made a mistake, then we are:

  • leading a stressful life and conveying this to our child too
  • conveying to the child that it is wrong to make mistakes
  • conveying to the child our own low self esteem and lowering the self esteem of the child when he/she makes a mistake
  • ensuring that the child, like us,  will not take any risks and try out new activities or experiments with life

Recommend, we accept our’s as well as our child’s mistakes peacefully and smilingly, knowing that making mistakes are an integral part of great living. In the case of the child, smilingly give a big hug when he/she makes a mistake  without pointing out the mistake or giving advice as to how to avoid it in future, unless it has something to do with safety. Allow the child’s intelligence to work on his/her mistake at its own pace and time. 

When we parents, get upset or angry when the child says ‘You are not my mother or I am leaving the home’, then we are:

  • helping the child to build fears of separation
  • not sensitive to the child’s feelings
  • missing out on a wonderful opportunity to strengthen parent-child relationship

Recommend that parents lovingly help the child to surface their feelings by asking leading questions like ‘Are you sad or upset with me or someone else about something we did to you? Then we should patiently listen and understand the child’s point of view without justifying what we or someone else did for triggering off the child to make such statements. Also, reassure the child that you are and will  always be her/his mother/father, no matter what happens! And that the house we all live in, is and will always be the child’s house too! 

When we, parents, react with panic to the situation in the now, in the present moment, then we are:

-programming our child to panic when he/she faces similar situations, thereby losing his/her capabilities of clear thinking, just as we parents do when we panic

Recommend that we be role models who remain peaceful most of the time. When a situation arises such as the child has high fever or is likely to vomit, or is hurt or bleeding, we should remain remain peaceful and quiet and let our clear, undisturbed Intellect help us to take appropriate and necessary actions to manage the situation. There is no better learning for our child than these real life situations and the parental responses!

When any parent over protects it’s child by devoting their full time to being with the child and taking care of it, and not allowing the child to be alone with other children and people, they are limiting the child’s emotional and intellectual growth to their own emotional and intellectual level that they have achieved with their limited knowledge and experience. 141119 *

When parents enlighten the child with all the answers to every situation the child encounters, they are unnecessarily overloading the child’s intellect and making a robot or a parrot of the child. This can  prevent the child from healthy development of  it’s own intellect, which is, finding all the answers that it requires to live life happily and fully. 141119 *

When we parents program, teach or force our child to either control itself, change or achieve something in the future, then we are:

-building a disharmony in the child with its own self and this results in disharmony with others as well as the Universe

Recommend that we allow our child to indulge fully in its present moment activity and let this activity alone be the foundation for future self control, change or achievements for the child!

When we parents use anger, force or punishment to change the behaviour of our child, then we are:

-building retaliatory responses in our child, which could be to physically hit the parents, siblings, friends or throw and break objects, or sulk or stop communication with parents and others

Recommend that we use only love and understanding to modify behaviour of our children. Change only comes from love. Love has a slow but a profound effect for change without any damage to the psyche of the child! 

When we parents interrupt our child while he/she is busy and doing something, we are pulling our child out of:

-present moment activity

-passionate activity

-being himself

Recommend, like we do with adults, we wait till the child finishes the task on hand and then suggest or request him to do what we want him/her to do.

When we parents tell our child who is crying or misbehaving, to stop crying/misbehaving/acting like a baby etc., then we:

-are not communicating correctly as we have not understood that the child is using his last resort of trying to communicate to us, parents, something that it thinks is very important to him/her

-are preventing the child from fully experiencing its emotions. Instead, we are asking him/her to bottle up the emotions which can have a long term stressful effect on the child’s Intellect and resulting behaviour!

We recommend that the parents try and understand the cause of crying or misbehaviour which is only an effect and not the cause. So, the first thing for a good and involved parent is to give the child time, as required by it, for regaining composure as well as help it to become aware and accept the symptom or emotions fully. We recommend hugging and holding the child in the arms and allowing the child adequate time to fully experience and accept the existing emotions without giving any advice or making small talk!

After the child settles down, we parents can help start a dialogue by saying something like ‘you were perhaps sad/disappointed/tired(?) so we understand why you cried or misbehaved’. The dialogue is for us to understand the underlying cause for the crying/misbehaviour and find a mutually acceptable and suitable solution so that the child need not resort to crying or misbehaviour for want of being understood by its parents the next time!

Then such situations become beautiful learning experiences for the Parents as well as the Child and the situations become complete and done with, leaving both the Parent and Child stronger psychologically as well as in their relationship!

When we parents tell our child that he/she has grown up and and so they should not cry then:

-the child may stop crying on the outside and continue crying on the inside. He/she will learn to bottle up the feelings to look like a grownup to please us, causing disastrous psychological consequences for him/herself

Recommend that we allow our child to fully express and experience his/her emotions without making them feel bad or small and help them to gradually get back to their normal happy state. We can physically remain with them and give them support, not by giving advice or diversionary talk but by close physical contact like hugging and holding the child till he/she regains composure. 

When we parents are not willing to understand and instead advise our child or give a solution to every situation that the child is in, we are preventing the child from:

-developing his/her own Intellect to resolve situations

-discovering his/her own truths of living

-conveying to the child that we do not trust them or their judgement

Recommend instead of giving a solution, parents ask questions which trigger off thinking in the child and allow the child to act on his own decision even if we parents think that the child may make an incorrect or wrong decision, provided that the safety of the child and others is not at stake! 

When we parents admonish our child in public for behaviour or action which is not acceptable to us, then we are:

-reducing the self esteem of the child

-making the child unhappy with his/her own self

-not allowing the child to be himself

Recommend that parents let the child be himself/herself as much as possible. Then he will be happy with his/her own self and have a high level of self esteem. He/She will then be an original and not a copy of someone else! Any correction in behaviour should be carried out in private only, never in public!

When we parents discipline our child, then we are:

-trying to mould the child to being submissive and to meet our’s, family’s and the society’s requirements, traditions and approvals

-reducing or destroying the creative and artistic abilities of the child

Recommend that disciplining be done with unconditional love and understanding only and not by a dictum or order. Further, it should be limited to the bare minimum for the child to function in our family and society so that his/her artistic and creative juices keep flowing at all times!

When we parents plan excessive activities for our child for his/her intellectual and physical development, then we may be:

-crowding out the child’s time and space for its Spirit to thrive and blossom and to develop him/herself to what he/she is really capable of becoming!

-ignoring the child’s passions and following our own passions, desires and expectations

Recommend that we become sensitive to the child’s Spirit and Passions and give him/her adequate time and space to develop himself/herself in a unique way that is comfortable and suitable to itself! 

When we parents compare our child to its siblings, peers or friends, then we are:

-giving a message to our child that we are not accepting him/her as he/she is now

-building an illusion of incompleteness and that the child has to improve in the future to be complete

-creating an illusion of either superiority or inferiority in the child

-pulling out the child from the present moment involvement and activity and pushing him/her into a stressful activity of competing with or copying others in the future

-reducing the love and relationship between the siblings, colleagues or friends

Recommend that we never compare our children with other children or adults. Instead, we help each child to develop its own specific potential and capabilities. Parents should allow and help a Rose to become a Rose and a Tulip to become a Tulip and not manipulate and force a Rose to become a Tulip!  

When we parents drive our child to be the First and Best in everything he/she does, then we are:

-pulling out the child from the present moment involvement and activity and pushing him/her into a stressful activity of being the best in everything he/she does

-creating unnecessary stress of the future in the child, for a probability which is very low as only one child of the lot can come first. Rest have to occupy different positions than the first!

Recommend that we help the child enjoy what he/she is doing and leave the positioning, whether first, tenth or last, to the will of the Universe!  

When we parents repeatedly say that their child is stupid, foolish, idiotic, stubborn, naughty, or that he/she is not good in Maths or languages, then we are:

-helping the child build such an identity and lowering the self esteem of the child

-changing his belief system about himself/herself and he/she starts to believe that he/she is stupid, naughty or not good in Maths etc.

Recommend that such statements defining and limiting the child should never be made. Instead, we can say that the child is being naughty or foolish at the moment; or that, at present the child is not taking interest in Maths or Languages so he/she is not doing too well in these subjects now! Such statements leave the door open for the child to improve in the future, which incidentally all children do change and improve!  

When we parents do not listen or respond to our child as we are busy doing something else, talking with a friend, on the phone or on the computer, then we are:

-conveying to the child that he/she is not important to us

-conveying that we are not giving unconditional love to our child

-lowering the self esteem of our child

 Recommend ideally parents drop what we are doing and listen to the child every time without reacting or commenting! If for some reason this is not possible, then acknowledge the effort of the child to connect with us and tell the child that as soon as we are free we will listen. Then we should not forget to do this. If we do forget, then we should apologise to the child for our error! While listening, we parents should try to give full attention to the child till he/she completes what he/she wants to communicate and not interrupt him/her with our opinions, ideas and thoughts! 
When we parents are in a rush and want our child to quickly finish off the chores by taking over completely what the child is doing, like eating, washing, cleaning, dressing, etc., then we are:
-being insensitive to the child and conveying to the child that he/she is not capable of looking after him/herself
-we are delaying the independence that every child is seeking and making the child dependent on us
Recommend that we plan properly and ensure adequate time is available to the child to complete all the tasks he/she is trying to complete by him/herself 
When we, parents, are physically or mentally exhausted due to work, home, social pressures or ill health then we can:
-react angrily by screaming or shouting at our child, who is always seeking only love, attention and respect from us, thereby hurting his/her psyche unconsciously and unnecessarily
Recommend that the parent become aware that he/she is physically or mentally tired and that the child is coming to him/her to only get love, attention and respect. This awareness will help the parent remain calm despite the physical and mental strain and deal with the child with tender loving care and attention resulting in overall happiness in both, parent as well as the child
When we, parents, forcibly feed our child or feed by distracting him/her with videos, activities and games, then we are:
-taking away the opportunity from the child to feel, taste and enjoy the food
-helping the child to swallow the food without adequately chewing it
-not allowing the child’s body to produce the right amount of digestive enzymes and other juices for good and full digestion of the food
Recommend that the child eats along with the parents and is given the unconditional choice to eat as much as he/she can enjoy of whatever appeals to him/her from what has been offered at the dining table. The environment should be supportive, helpful and positive. Fear should not be used to motivate the child to eat. Further, there should be no distractions, and any adverse comments or attempts by the parents to use meal times for disciplining  or giving unsolicited advice.
When we, parents, force our child to finish whatever little is left in their  bowl, plate, glass, or cup, despite the child not wanting to eat or drink anymore, then we are:
-unaware that the child knows better than the parent, as to whether he/she has eaten enough and is full
-unaware that we have inherited this trait from our parents who may have seen hard times and so they were unable to see food being wasted
-treating the child as a trash can and thereby disrupting or overloading our child’s digestive system
-definitely not respecting the child’s intelligence of knowing it’s own body, resulting in slow but sure destruction of this capability of our child, which may lead to severe eating and drinking disorders in the future
Recommend strongly that we, parents, should respect the child’s intelligence and immediately stop feeding the child when our child indicates this by turning the face while being fed, or covering the mouth with the hand, or verbally expressing that he/she is full and doesn’t want more to eat or drink. The wasted food or drink should be trashed. If the parents conditioning does not allow this, then the parents can consume the child’s left over food and drinks and save the child from the consequences of being overfed! 
When we parents frequently tell the child what to do and what not to do, which is generally based on our present social norms, then we are:
-conveying to the child that he/she is not perfect and complete right now and he/she has to do something in the future to become perfect and complete, whereas the child is complete and perfect from the day he/she is born
-forcing the child to start telling lies to please the parents
-not allowing the child to use his/her Intellect so it may remain under developed, handicapping the child in facing life situations
Recommend that we limit our do’s and dont’s to the bare minimum, except if safety is involved, and be a role model for the child rather than be a disciplinarian!
When we parents frequently tell our child what to do and  how to do it, then we are:
-destroying the creative abilities of our child as the child requires space and time to do what he/she is intuitively and creatively capable of doing
Recommend that the child be given adequate time daily to do what he/she wants to do to develop himself/herself from within and surface out his/her abilities that would remain hidden otherwise!

When we parents force our child to do something it does not want to do, e.g. he/she does not want to eat because of being full or not hungry; or if we force them not to do something, like meeting a specific friend or doing homework when the child wants to play, then we are:

-forcing the child to develop its manipulative and lying skills

Recommend discussion and dialogue, based on love and understanding, be used to motivate the child to do something or not to do something. This can happen only if the child understands and accepts that it is for their own good!

When we parents react to a child throwing tantrums with a very rigid stance of teaching a lesson that tantrums will not get the child what it wants, then we are:

-reacting as a child too with our tantrum, but we parents are not aware that we are also acting like a child when we are throwing a tantrum. Instead we think that we are disciplining the child. It is truly a clash of Egos of the parent and the child with the parent also behaving like a child

-lowering the self esteem of the child and damaging his/her psyche in the process.

-making the child even more unhappy and upset

Recommend that we parents become aware that our Intellect’s default state  is the Ego state, which is a reactive state. We should become aware of this. This awareness will help our Intellect to move into the Pure Awareness & Full Acceptance state which will help us to hug and love the child in tantrum and restore the calm within the child at the earliest. Only when calm has been restored, we can try and understand the reason why the child was throwing a tantrum; and then lovingly arrive at a solution acceptable to the child and our own self too for the future. 

When we parents react to everything the child says and does, then we are:

-lowering the child’s self confidence and self esteem

Recommend that we give our child adequate space and time to do what he wants, provided that the child is not hurting anyone including him/herself. If we feel that a behavioral change is desirable, delay the discussion to a time when both, parent and child, are calm and peaceful.

When we parents portray success as a linear progression of SAT scores, acceptance to selective colleges, and high-powered internships, then we are:  

setting our kids up for disappointment and making his/her future chances of being successful less likely as per Madeline Levine, a psychologist from California.

She explains that successful people’s lives rarely take linear, upward sloping, trajectories. 90 percent of successful people are those who have taken risks, failed, changed course, recovered, often failed again, but ultimately found their stride. Their success graph is a squiggly line with multiple ups and downs that trends in an upward direction.

One of the patterns that Ms Levine sees regularly among people who consider themselves successful is real passion about the work they do: the kind of passion that makes them work harder than others, welcome mistakes and see even failures as learning opportunities, and feel that what they do has impact. While money may be inherited, real success always has to be earned.

She recommends for the kids to achieve success, the parent’s expectations should allow the kid to follow meandering and even unexpected paths, charting out a squiggly career graph with ups and owns which is trending in the upward direction. This is what will lead the kid to success.  130320

Why do we prefer to bring up our children as puppets that obey us rather than strong and well balanced individuals who are given the time and opportunity to become wise from their own mistakes, sensitivity, awareness and experiences? -The Totality

When a child informs her/his parent that she/he has just finished playing a game, the first question that comes to the mind of most of the parents is, who won?

  • this will convey to the child that only winning is important, playing and enjoying are not

Instead, parents should compliment the child for taking part in the game

If the child is unhappy that she/he did not win, reassure the child that winning is not the only goal. Enjoying the game, taking interest in it and slowly improving her/his performance are the more important goals for enjoyment, happy and good living- The Almighty 140521

Image courtesy of

May 12, 2013 / Gul Malani

Assessing our Parenting Skills Simply

Cheerful School Boy

In order to assess our Parenting skills, we can answer the following critical questions and give our own self a score as indicated here under. The total score for all the 5 questions will give us a guide as to how well we are doing with bringing up our children.

1. Is our child living mostly in the present moment?
a. Yes
b. 25 to 50% of the time
c. Less than 25% of the time

2. Is our child capable of being mostly with himself and enjoying it?
a. Yes
b. 25 to 50% of the time
c. Less than 25% of the time

3. Is our child allowed to do what he/she wants to do?
a. Yes
b. 25 to 50% of the time
c. Less than 25% of the time

4. Is our child aware, fully experiencing and expressing his/her thoughts and emotions?
a. Yes
b. Partly
c. No

5. Is our child using his own Intellect to resolve his/her situations?
a. Yes
b. At times
c. No

Score 2 if answer is ‘a.’, 1 if it is ‘b.’, and 0 if it is ‘c.’. Then, total the score and find out from below how good a parent we are!

We are an Excellent Parent if the total score is …….8 to 10
We are a Good Parent if the score is either…………..6 or 7
We are ok Parent if the score is ……………………………5
We need to work on our own self if the score is ……..0 to 4

March 12, 2013 / Gul Malani

Good Parenting


Good parenting is rather simple! All we parents have to do is to set an example that the most valuable treasure we all have is our present moment, which is timeless and therefore eternity itself! We do not have to wait for the future to arrive as per our requirements before we start living our lives fully, playfully and cheerfully! Neither do we have to worry about our past which is dead and gone to live our lives fully! Being in the present moment also implies that the child does not have any stress which is very good for the child as the body will produce the right chemicals to keep it healthy!

Further, we parents have to be unconditional in our love for the child to ensures that the following qualities and capabilities in the child remain intact even when the child grows into an adult!

  • childlike innocence and curiosity
  • creativity and artistic abilities
  • fearlessness, unless it has to do with safety
  • being happy with its own self, being its own unique self  and doing it’s own thing
  • being involved and connected with Nature and our Universe

It is also very important that the parents help to develop the child’s Intellect for early decision making, so that the child has capability to live life on his own terms without Intellectual support from parents as soon as feasible!

Good parenting also means that we parents are aware that material and spiritual success is a combination of talent and luck, and luck is highly unpredictable. Therefore, we have to drop all our desires and expectations expecting peak performance and the very best results from our children all the time are truly unrealistic expectations! Performances and results will vary from time to time and the parents should willingly accept the variations!

Further, parents have to set aside their limitations, desires and expectations and help the child develop its own unique capabilities and talents based on the child’s interests and passions. Parents have to help the child fulfill its own desires and expectations, if at all!

Good Parents-

  • develop sensitivity to the sounds infants make to try and communicate with their mothers/fathers. If the parents are unable to understand the infant, then they seek expert help so that they can respond properly and quickly to make the infant comfortable and stable as soon as possible. *241017
  • listen, understand and respond (not react) to children every time, no matter how busy they are, how young or old the children are, or even when the children are throwing tantrums to get something!
  • are very sensitive to not say or do anything to hurt or damage the pyche of the child. Most of us parents are only sensitive to the physical hurt or damage to the body of the child and highly insensitive to damage we are inflicting constantly on the psyche of the child! Instead of criticising or correcting, evolved parenting is to use only honest and positive reinforcement every time the child builds a new inner strength. The power of honest praise is an amazing force in the strong and sustained development of our child.
  • do not think that our child has limited potential and capabilities. Very often our child can amaze us with what he/she can do and achieve,  much beyond our own conceptions, limitations  and capabilities!
  • do not want to protect our way of life and are willing to patiently and coolly listen to differing opinions or criticism from our children, no matter how young they are, so that that the children’s analytical, diagnostic and critical thinking develops early!
  • do not convey to the child that life is only about success, coming first, being powerful, being right, having good health, and being happy all the time. Child has to learn from parents attitudes and actions that it is perfectly alright to fail, be weak, wrong, sick or unhappy at times! Life is a like being on a Roller Coaster with its ups and downs!*

Good unconditional parenting leads to happy children with high self esteem, strong inner strengths and good skills to manage their life and achieve success too!

Excerpts from ‘Hold On to Your Kids’ by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., & Gabor Maté, M.D.

If we are to mature our kids successfully, or if we are to reorient them to us once they’ve been seduced by the peer culture, we must come to terms with attachment.

  • Senses Physical proximity is the goal of the first way of attaching
  • Sameness The second way of attaching is usually well in evidence by toddlerhood. The child seeks to be like those she feels closest to.
  • Belonging and Loyalty The third way of attaching also makes its debut in toddlerhood — if all is unfolding as it should. To be close to someone is to consider that person as one’s own….On the heels of belonging comes loyalty — being faithful and obedient to one’s chosen attachment figure.
  • Significance The fourth way of pursuing closeness and connection is to seek significance, which means that we feel we matter to somebody.
  • Feeling A fifth way of finding closeness is through feeling: warm feelings, loving feelings, affectionate feelings.
  • Being Known The sixth way of attaching is through being known. The first signs of this final way of attaching are usually observable by the time a child enters school. To feel close to someone is to be known by them.

The primary message of all types of (conditional) parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted. – Carl Rogers, Psychologist

We don’t believe in holding on to the child too tight or leaving the child be. Parenting cannot be so rigid. It has to be a combination of both, a discerning involvement that is sensitive to the need of the child at that moment, and which recognises the fact that the child’s needs are changing constantly. – Dr. Atul Abhyankar

The essence of conscious parenting is that both mothers and fathers have important responsibilities for fostering healthy, intelligent, productive, and joy-filled children. – Bruce H. Lipton Ph.D.  140817

It takes three ingredients to make parenting work: a dependent being in need of being taken care of, an adult willing to assume responsibility, and a good working attachment from the child to the adult. The most critical of these is also the one most commonly overlooked and neglected: the child’s attachment to the adult…..Parenting is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behaviour to be learned but a connection to be sought. – Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Maté, M.D. in their book ‘Hold On to Your Kids’  051117

Young children as well as adults inherently expect unconditional love and understanding from their parents. Devoid of this, conflict starts, attachment to parents weakens, and then these children can get attached to their peers. Such children start to seek peer acceptance and  peer advice on how to conduct themselves and how to live life. This further enhances the parent-child conflict and distances the child from the parents making it nearly impossible to do good parenting. To reverse this situation for the benefit of all, parents should revert back to unconditional love and understanding in all their interactions with the child, be readily available to the child and be patient in allowing enough time for the child to reconnect to the parents. – The Totality  150118

Parents unknowingly build fear and anxiety in their child about what will happen in the next moment and in the future. They use this fear to motivate the child to study, learn and work hard in the present so that it has a better future. Whereas the reality is, what happens in the future or even in the next moment is neither in the control of the parents nor in control of the child. The next moments and the future are determined by the continuously changing Divine Forces at work in the present moment, over which we (our Egos) have very little control. So, good parenting is to set an example that we, parents, fully accept the situations that happen in the present, next moment and the future, without any reaction and respond as best as we can to each situation as it arises. –The Totality 140818

There are two ways to live our life. The first one is the Ego’s way which is full of limitations, disturbances and fears. The second way is the Divine way which is limitless, steady and peaceful. Unfortunately the parenting most of us get, programs us to live the Ego’s way of life. However as we grow into adulthood, some of us are lucky enough to become aware than we are just being mercilessly driven by our Ego. This awareness can lead us to discover the second path of life, the Divine way! – The Totality 031118

Conventional parenting helps the child build a strong Ego, which is a conditioning or programming of a unique personality which sees itself as separate from others. This programming and separation results in the child learning to trust mostly it’s Ego for living it’s life and making all the decisions. Regretfully, all Egos have minimal or infinitesimal powers compared to the powers of Divinity in this Universe. If parents were to realise this fact, then they will help the child to recognise that it is Divine too and one with everyone and everything in this Universe; and to trust the infinite powers of Divinity to live it’s life. This implies, accepting life situations fully as they arise, as well as to accept everyone as they are now. – The Totality 111118

Good parenting is automatically done by those parents who handle their own life situations easily and smoothly without excessive reactions or creating unnecessary drama. Young and older Children learn by observation and they record their parent’s behaviours and use that knowledge to live their own life. So, be a good role model for the children to sail through their lives smoothly too. – The Totality 151118

All children are born with Divine intelligence which expresses in their instincts to cry, laugh, act, love, play, select appropriate foods to eat, select friends, etc.. Parents who become aware of these instincts of the child, understand, appreciate and respect these instincts and respond  with suitable action from their side to fulfill the instinctual requirements of the child. For example, if the child does not want to go to another person’s arms, parents should not force the child to go, as the child has instinctually determined that person does not love him/her adequately for such a close connection. If the child refuses a specific food to eat, which is instinctual for the child, do not force feed the child that food. His/her body does not need or will not be able to digest that specific food at that time. If the child is crying, allow the child to experience the sadness and try and detect what is making the child unhappy and resolve that issue, rather than saying to the child ‘ you do not need to cry for this’. A healthy respect and acceptance from the parents for the child’s instincts will help the child grow strong from within – The Totality 201118

Good parenting automatically emanates from parents who have through awareness of their own self, discovered that they can remain happy always despite the ups and owns of their life situations – The Totality 131218

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in – Rachel Carson 020219

Parenting generally tends to condition and program the child to fear what may happen in the future and erroneously programs the child that the future is in it’s control. Good parenting is to allow the child to live fully in the present moment and learning to accept the future as it unfolds, knowing that there are enormous Divine forces at work which carve out everyone’s future differently.  Based on what is happening now, every one of us has to decide what to do now in the context of our situation in the present moment. This applies to children as well.- The Totality 170319

Parental and social conditioning of the child (Ego) forms the basis of how the child, thinks, acts, reacts and judges right from wrong, good from bad, likes from dislikes etc.. There is no absolute truth in this type of thinking. As such, this thinking of the child can be changed easily by changing our parenting inputs and methods. Good parenting also empowers the child to change it’s own conditioning and programming (Ego) to suit its  life’s requirements as he/she is growing up. – The Totality 220319

Parental and social conditioning and programming makes the child reject the present moment situation as well as builds fears of the unknown future. Good parenting is when we bring up the child to fully accept the present moment situation, without any reaction, and to view the unknown future as an adventure and a great area for exploring and discovering new ideas, information, people and things. –The Totality * 100519

Conventional parenting helps build the left side of the brain of the child, which is programmed to use logic and reasoning, and is programmed to be motivated to think, and act to improve it’s future. In effect, parents help the child to feel incomplete in the present moment so it is driven or motivated to achieve completeness in the future. This can result in a very tense and stressful life for the child. Good parenting will help the child to also develop the right side of the brain which helps the child continue to feel complete in the now through out it’s whole life. Such a state, the Buddha state,  will help the child to live life fully in each moment with pleasure, happiness as well as in good health – The Totality 260619

Most children are born with their Intellect having a feeling of completeness. Regretfully, parental and social conditioning result in this feeling reducing a bit to a feeling of incompleteness. And this drives the child to achieve completeness in the future by succeeding and achieving in this physical world. Fortunately, this incompleteness is not very large for most of us, but we tend to focus on our incompleteness rather than the portion of completeness we have still retained. Changing this focus, as we grow older and wiser, will help us live our life less stressed and happy. – The Totality 190819 *

Almost every Child’s Intellect has a sense and feel of completeness in their Identity when they are born. Unconscious parenting and social pressures bring in a gap in the completeness of the child’s Identity. This becomes the cause of mental and physical suffering while the child is growing up, as well as in it’s adulthood. Good or Conscious parenting will ensure either no damage or very little damage to the completeness in the Identity that every child is born with. This damage happens primarily due to the personal unfulfilled aspirations of the parents, which they tend to fill up by driving their children to achieve successes in everything the child does. – The Totality 210819

Good parenting is simply not help the child build his/her identity which is incomplete. Children are born complete and by allowing them to be in the present moment as much as possible, we let the child’s self Identity remain complete always. Fear, anxiety, shame, anger, sadness and other such emotions in the child are indicative of the incompleteness in the child’s self Identity.- The Totality 240819

Our parents and our society drive our children  to be extremely competitive. Parents incorrectly assume that competitiveness provides the motivation in the child to do it’s best. Unfortunately, it does not bring out the best in the child. Instead, it creates fear, anxiety and other emotional distresses in the Intellect of the child, preventing the child from performing it’s best.. Whereas, a state of Joy and Fullness brings out the best in every child. The state of Joy and Completeness happens only when the Intellect of the child is allowed to remain in the present moment, when it is free from fear, anxiety and other emotional distresses. – learnt from a post of Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, Isha Foundation 270819

All children are born with an Intellect that is Divine, free from biases and prejudices. They see no difference between one human being to another; they have no class or caste system! Every one gets the same love & respect from the children. Unaware and un-evolved parental up bringing helps build prejudices, differences of caste and class, likes and dislikes in the children’s Intellects and also makes them self centered and competitive. This can cause a lot of emotional and physical hardships in the life of the children as well as in their adult life. – The Totality 030919

Good parenting is to avoid building an illusion of incompleteness in the Intellect of the child. This illusion of incompleteness drives the child to unnecessarily think a lot and undertake many unnecessary actions to try and become complete, when truly each one of us is complete as we are now, in every moment. – The Totality 220919

Good parenting is to allow and help the child to grow organically, from within, rather than inorganically, with external pressures and programming from the parents. This way, the child will build on its emotional, intellectual and physical strengths. So, he/she will falter less often. The Totality 220919

Many parents are constantly giving advice to their young children, pre-teen children, teenagers as well as adult children thinking that their years of knowledge and experience will help the children to easily manoeuvre through life. Instead, the opposite happens. The child experiences Anger, Hurt and Shamefulness disturbing its’s emotional and mental stability and damaging it’s risk taking and decision making capabilities. A better option is to ask questions and let the child find his/her own answers to his/her life situations and act upon them as best as he can. Of course, if the child is seeking advice, then do share your experiences with the young one, but allow him/her to make the final decision, regardless if it is right or wrong as per your thinking and experience. The only exception is , if the child’s or any other person’s safety is involved. – The Totality 181019

The Spiritual light shines through the eyes, smile and touch of every child. Good parenting is about maintaining the brightness of this Spiritual light within the child as he/she is growing up. Additionally, the parents have to help the child to organically develop it’s capabilities, that will be required to live life intelligently and happily in this physical world. The Totality 291019

Most of us have been brought up by parents who were unaware of their Spiritual Identity, which is eternal.

They only knew their Physical Identity, their Ego. Therefore they were able to condition and program us for the Physical world only. Their parenting methods were driven by their own knowledge, experiences, desires and expectations. They taught us that there is right and wrong, good and bad etc.. When we did wrong or when something bad happened our parents would get sad and upset and so we, children learnt that is the way to be. Such conditioning or programming is the basis of our unhappy life. Once we discover our Spiritual Identity through meditation, which is going within and beyond our Intellect, then our Intellect quietens down and starts experiencing and enjoying the ups as well as downs of our physical life. The Totality 250320

Ultimate and intelligent parenting can be done when both parents are fully evolved and they know that they have already arrived and are where they should be now. They know that there is no where else to go or anything more to achieve. They live each moment fully in the present and in full acceptance of their life situations. Instead of living a life of limitation and shortages, they live a life of abundance.

Such parents accept their children as they are now and they fully live the present moments with their children. They allow their children to learn and grow organically rather than force an inorganic growth upon them – emanated from the Unified Reality 120420

Good parenting is about retaining the expanse and limitless quality of the child’s Intellect. Our conditioning or programming of the child’s Intellect should not limit it’s  capabilities except in cases of safety – emanated from the Unified Reality 190420*

All children are born with a clean slate of an Intellect, vast and available to readily absorb conditioning and programming from parents and the society. In effect the vast Intellect, which is infinite by nature,  is now being constrained and limited by the parents and society.

Limitation is caused by parental programming of:

– desires and expectations

– likes and dislikes, what is good and what is bad

– rigid beliefs, assumptions and prejudices

– an individual personality separate from others.

– giving only conditioned love, i.e. expecting something back in return.

– becoming upset about the past and fearing the future and not being in the present

– focusing on  shortages instead of Abundance and so competing with others to get a larger portion of physical wealth and success.

Good parenting is when we avoid the above limitations and bring up our child to recognise the Abundance that we are living in and knowing that the Abundance is available to each one of us with little or no effort. – emanated from The Unified Reality 040520

Parental & social conditioning and programming, which we call as the ‘Ego’, builds numerous and unending desires and expectations within the child. These desires and expectations imply that our Universe is full of shortages and each child has to compete with others to get it’s fair share. This can lead the child to a lot of anxiety, worry, stress, disappointments, unhappiness and in some cases can lead to depression. In order to help our child lead a blissful life, great parents simply do not plant seeds of desires and expectations in the child’s Intellect. If the seeds have been already planted then good parenting will help the child re-programme it’s Ego to have little or no desires and expectations from life and as well as from others. Such a state of it’s Ego will lead the child to live in the present moment fully, making it aware of the Abundance everywhere (inside the child as well as outside in the Universe) and the child’s anxiety, worry and tension will completely drop. The child will then start to live a content and blissful life which will be full of everyday surprises and miracles – emanated from the Cosmos 200520

So, simply, what is good parenting?

  • Parents should be good role models for the below listed characteristics and activities (rather than being drivers and pushers for their children)
  • Allowing the child to remain in the present moment most of the time (implying very few desires and expectations are seeded in the Intellect of the child)
  • Ensuring that the child loves and respects itself all the time (no derogatory terms used for the child, or for it’s thoughts, or for it’s words or for it’s actions)
  • observing and listening to the child without comments and reactions (giving respect to the child’s intelligence)
  • Motivating the child only with love (not using rewards, fear or punishment which disturbs the peace and stability of the child’s Intellect or Mind)
  • Ensuring that the child remains a good learner always and is willing to try and experiment with new ideas and situations (without driving or forcing the child to learn)
  • Collaborating instead of competing with others (knowing that everything is abundant in our Universe and each one of us will get our rightful share with little or no effort)
  • Ensuring that the child is friendly and loving with others and is ever willing to help and share (parents can be role models)
  • Be grateful for what it gets and what it has by saying ‘Thank You’ often (role models are parents)
  • Developing one new skill every 6 months or so throughout it’s life
  • Taking daily part in sports, yoga or other physical exercises (for good health and well being}
  • Spending daily time outdoors with nature, in gardens taking interest in birds, animals, plants, flowers, trees etc.
  • allowing the child to make more and more decisions that affect it (building independence and inner strength)
  • around the age of 4 years or so, introduce meditation (to build inner strength and stability)
  • emanated from the Cosmos 270520

Modern parents are driving the children hard to develop skills in many fields as well as compete with others and excel in everything they do. In effect the children are always busy doing something or the other, every moment of their waking life. This builds high level of stress and dissatisfaction in the child’s Intellect leading to unhappiness and health issues too.

Happiness is the default state of every child. Children are unhappy only for short periods when their basic needs are not fulfilled. In order to bring them back to their natural state of happiness, parents need to listen to them patiently as well as give time and space to the child daily to do their own thing or to not do anything if they choose to. Parents have to avoid driving their children to do something or the other all the time, so that both parents and the children remain happy and retain calm and well functioning intellects. – emanated from the Cosmos 250720

When there are issues with a child regarding eating, schooling, friends, playtime and other situations, it will be good if the parent explains the issue clearly to the child when both the parent as well as the child are calm and peaceful. Then patiently allow the child to explain the issue as she/he sees it. If the issue seems clear to the child too, then seek a few solutions from the child. Often, parents will be surprised with the simple solutions that the child will come up with. It is preferable that the issue as well as the child’s solutions be documented in a Journal. You may call it ‘ Parent Child interaction and Solutions Journal’. A day or two later, have another short session with the child to review the issue as well as solutions proposed by the child. Then you should jointly agree on the possible few solutions and note them down too. This way the child will feel loved and respected and will act on the solutions responsibly. After the issue has been sorted out, please record the final solution that helped and the date when the issue was sorted. Maintain this Journal till the child becomes mostly independent and the Parent Child relationship has matured to one of friendship. – emanated from the Cosmos 290720

Default state of all children is a state of happiness. This is because of a natural instinct of all living beings to remain in the present moment, enjoying and experiencing life fully as it happens. Regretfully, parental and social conditioning and programming makes the children live life planning and anticipating the future or regretting the past. This gives rise to numerous unhelpful emotions like fear, anxiety, worry, anger and resultant stress, Most parents are unaware that the life changes, that are happening every moment, are not brought about by our Ego (parental & social conditioning and programming}. Our Ego can only plant a seed in the form of desire or expectation. The sprouting and growth of the seed is dependent on a multitude of Cosmic Forces. We, as well as our children, have to understand this basic fact of life that we can only plant seeds but the results are not in the control of our Ego. So, we have really no choice but to accept our life changes as they occur, gracefully and gratefully, to continue to live a happy and fulfilled life. – emanated from the Cosmos 020820

The more decisions that we allow the children to make and help them carry them out, the more co-operation we will get from our children and better will be our relationship with them – The Cosmos 221020

Modern day parents are generally very competitive themselves and are therefore anxious and stressed to achieve high performance from their children. They tend to drive their children towards superior performances in multitudes of areas. To get superior performance quickly, they make most of the decisions for the kids as to what they should be doing, how should they be doing it and when they should be doing it. This can hurt the self esteem of the child leading to poor relationships with the child. A more formidable way is to allow more and more decisions to be made by the child and help them carry them out. This will build high self esteem in the child and also result in superior and sustainable performance from the child. Additionally, parents will get more co-operation from the children and better will be the relationship with them – The Cosmos 011120

There is infinite amount of love and co-operation capabilities within each of the trillions of cells in our bodies, which result in well functioning and healthy bodies. Likewise, for families to be happy and successful we need lots of love and co-operation between all the members of the family. Competition within the family members is undesirable and will lead to fractured relationships and unhappiness. If we, parents, can pass on this wisdom to our children, by being role models for sharing love and giving co-operation, we will help our children in leading a very happy, meaningful, united and successful life. – The Cosmos 041120

We relate to ourselves as our parents and others related to us in early life, up to approximately 7 years of age. So, as parents, we have to be careful in relating to our child and should try and use love for relationship so that our kid also relates to him/herself with love. Unfortunately due to the busy life of most of the parents, the parent to child relationship is often strict, disciplining and at times in anger too. Such children tend to be strict, driving themselves to perfection and being angry with it’s own self leading them to a generally unhappy and dissatisfied life. – The Cosmos 281120

Parents incorrectly believe that their children can become perfect and that they are sure to succeed in whatever they do if they are properly disciplined and motivated. Evolved Parents will have a different approach. They will convey to their kids that we are all imperfect and hard wired for struggle but we all are worthy of love and belonging. We, as parents, will love them unconditionally with our whole heart even though there are no guarantees of achievements and we are truly grateful for having them with us and sharing our lives. Such an upbringing will help our child to uncover all it’s talents, skills and capabilities fully in times to come and live a life filled with love, happiness and meaningful success. – adapted from Brene Brown’s Ted Talk 121220

Good parenting is simply responsive parenting, which entails listening and trying to understand and accept the child’s point of view, even if it is dramatically opposite to the parent’s point of view. Acceptance by the parent will help the parent find an amenable way to alter the child’s point of view over a period of time. For want of time and energy, most parenting is highly reactive with the parents losing their cool, shocking the child by their reaction which the child was not expecting. Children expect unconditional love and understanding from their parents all the time. After reacting, the parents often use punishments to discipline the child. Such reactive parenting can lead to very unhealthy relationships between the parent and child causing irreversible emotional and mental damage to both. – The Almighty Universe 300521

Experience shows that young people are not for sale. If you want your kids to do their homework, practice musical instruments, or even mow the lawn once in a while, do not reach for your wallet. Instead, give them a fixed amount of pocket money each week. Otherwise, they will exploit the system and soon refuse to go to bed without (financial) recompense. – Rolf Dobelli, Chapter 56 of his book ‘The Art of Thinking Clearly’ 301021

When you get older, never teach anyone, specially young adult children, anything. Even if you are sure you are right. Remember how this bothered you once? Did you take the advice of the elders yourself?

Do not try to help unless genuinely requested. Don’t try to protect your loved ones from all the misfortunes of the world. Just love them.

Don’t expect gratitude from children. Remember there are no ungrateful children – there are stupid parents who expect gratitude from their children.

Don’t say phrases like ‘Me at your age….’I gave you my best years….’ I’m older so I know better….’ This is generally not well received by grown up children.

Don’t blame yourself for anything. Whatever happened to your life or to your children’s lives, you did everything you were capable of doing.

Preserve your Dignity, not your Ego, in every situation! – unknown source 110522 *

Good Parenting is about the parents being great Role Models by remaining happy no matter what the internal or external situations are at present. Remaining happy during sickness and failures too, which happen to each and every one of us. – Insight from The Divinity 220522 *

Good Parenting is about accepting the child as she/he is right now in every moment. Parents can help, but not force, the child to develop skills which will help the child to sail smoothly through her/his life. Skills like learning, art and craft, physical activities like athletics, gymnastics, swimming, using Internet, various games. – Insight from The Divinity 220522 *


February 7, 2013 / Gul Malani


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Disciplining, imposing obedience and socially acceptable behaviour on the child is like pruning a tree to become a Bonsai! These up bringing patterns have a tremendous effect in lowering the creativity and intellectual growth of a child! So, the conventional methods of up bringing have to be abandoned in favour of more sensitive and aware ways of bringing up children if we want them to be bright and capable of doing original thinking!

Listening to the child, entertaining and discussing the child’s ideas on every subject, despite the fact the parents may feel the ideas are impractical or impossible, will lead the child to think out of the box and not be a robotic thinker as most of us are!

Creativity or original thinking cannot be taught! We can only help the child in becoming creative by positive reinforcements of his/her original thinking! The fact remains that no idea is stupid or impossible! It can be ahead of time, but that is about all! The present state of technology may not be able to support it now! For example, thinking of humans flying in the air before the 19th century would have been considered as a stupid idea! Now, it is commonplace!

Creativity needs time and space and so, do ensure that the child gets a lot of time and space everyday to do his own thing! Parents who keep their children busy doing things, classes, activities, sports etc should realise that they may be doing this at the cost of creativity in the child! Try and balance all this so that the child also has time to himself every day to do things that he/she wants to do! Parents definitely should introduce the child to new activities but the sustenance of the same should be on the basis of the child’s interest and his/her own motivation.